Breaking Up With Expectations

For me, it begins all the way back in August; August 5th, our anniversary, followed by our son’s Birthday, my husband’s Birthday, our daughter’s Birthday, and my Birthday. Then comes Halloween (which is a big deal in our family), Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day… not to mention the extended family Birthdays in-between all the rest.

By March, I just want to stop and catch my breath. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love celebrating my loved ones, but with celebrations come expectations: expectations others place upon us, or those we place upon ourselves.

Expectations can be particularly difficult to navigate when we are grieving. We skip a traditional family gathering that might have been overwhelming, we give money or forego presents because we did not have the mental capacity to go shopping, and we shed tears while listening to a special holiday song.

All of these are healthy, natural ways of coping with grief, but some of us may find them difficult to accept, especially if we are unable to be ourselves.

If this was you this holiday season, extend yourself some grace.

Let go of any guilt you may feel about not living up to someone else’s expectations, or perhaps even your own expectations. Remember this was only one season. Realize that even if this holiday season was, well, crummy, it does not mean every holiday season will be. Do your best to extend yourself grace and let go of those Clark Griswold type expectations.

If this sounds like someone you care about, have grace for them. Realize grief is not something that passes with time, but remains with us forever, often as a gentle reminder of the people we love, but sometimes as crashing waves that threaten to take us under. Realize that grieving individuals do the best they can with each holiday, whether this is the first year or the tenth. Let them know you see how hard it was for them, let them know you are still here, and let them know you feel the loss too.

For the grieving, realize that holidays are often a secondary loss to death, the loss of a loved one’s presence at the holidays and all the traditions they were a part of. Allow yourself to grieve those losses and share your loss with someone who will simply listen.

When you are ready, evaluate the holiday season. Look back at what brought you joy, what filled you. It may be something small, but jot down anything you want to hold onto for the future. Then consider what was painful, what drained you. Make note of those things, too. It might be they were just painful this season, or they might be something that needs to be changed going forward, something you need to let go of. Share your thoughts with those who are a part of your holidays. No decisions need to be made right now but allow them time to adjust and share their own reflections of the holidays without your shared person.

Then, take time to rest and recover. Take time to do those things that fill you. Remember your loved one without the craziness and pressure of the holidays. Take a break from expectations and just be.

If you find you cannot rest, that you cannot catch your breath because the waves of grief are pummeling you without relief, it may be time to seek support. Seek out a grief group or a bereavement counselor.

Even though each grief journey is unique, you do not have to walk alone.